It’s difficult not to come off looking like a douche bag saying, “I live in Los Angeles,” when you’re nowhere near there. Any major city, LA, New York City, Chicago, etc. - if you mention this to somebody while not in an urban city than there’s a very strong chance that you’re going to come off as arrogant. It’s unavoidable, you shouldn’t lie about where you live or try to compensate by saying, “Yeah, but I live in Brooklyn, so…,” or inform them that you’re from a normal area (somehow making you more like them?). I say embrace where you live, if somebody is so self-conscious about where they live then move bitch! 1-800-Uhaul, do it to it!
—-
Watching “Barefoot Contessa” on Food Network (my own form of crack, the cable guy who brings me Food Network is my dealer), she’s making chicken hash inspired by the old-school parties Truman Capote used to throw. This dish is friggin amazing. Seriously, I’m a little turned on!
—-
The night before I left LA I attended an event at the Abbey, the quintessential gay bar there. I got into a never ending conversation with this guy whose troubles with a new boyfriend was causing him great peril. I stood there and nodded my head, each nod bringing me closer to networking hell, when I noticed something to focus my eye on (an essential thing to do when stuck in those moments). He had one nostril that was considerably smaller than the other. As he continued on detailing his troubles I pondered how he got through life with such a small nostril (does he not pick that side of his nose?). Maybe it hasn’t always been that way, could it be plastic surgery gone terribly wrong? We’ve all seen what bad nose jobs can do to somebody (Michael Jackson anybody). I named the nostril Teddy after a volunteer at AIDS Walk New York whom also had one small nostril. Teddy the nostril (I find comfort when I give things names).

After a while the man finally stopped but I hadn’t been thinking about Teddy instead of him. When he asked, “What do you think?” I panicked, what did I think? I said, “You know, whenever I have trouble in life I think of what my mama always says, ‘Go with God.’ So Teddy, go with God.” I thought that was a great response, go me. He then asked, “Whose Teddy?” Well fuck!
—-
Gotta get dressed for the wedding, pics to come. Peace out homeslices!

Flying to St. Louis today, couldn’t be happier! Whenever somebody asks me where I like to vacation I immediately respond with St. Louis (and then wait a beat or two before telling them I’m from there, I love the, “What the hell is wrong with you, nobody vacations in St. Louis” look).

As always I dressed up for the plane trip in the hope that I’ll meet the love of my life on the flight. This morning the thought crossed my mind that it would be classic if I met somebody great on the flight, I’m flying direct from LA there so obviously they would have some connection with St. Louis, we’d have something to bond over right from the get go! Dreamy, right? With my luck I’d probably meet a beautiful gay guy and then learn that he’s flying to St. Louis for the funeral of his beloved mother. I’m all about using whatever I can to lure somebody into my nest of love but using one’s emotional weakness as a means to get a little tickle tickle is just tacky.

I need to get laid.

Wish me luck y’all!

I’m in love. Unfortunately he doesn’t know it yet, nor will he be interested (I get the sneaky feeling he might be straight- all the good ones are). His name is Rob. I spend most mornings with him. While I’m doing my sit ups he’s telling me which way the wind blows, he’s ever so helpful. His name is Rob, the uber-informative (and totally h-a-w-t) weather man on CNN.

Every American should be talking about Attorney General Gonzalez right now. Fuck Paris, forget about Linday’s coke use, OPEN YOUR EYES and check out what the hell is going on with this man! It’s the most damning testimony we’ve seen of a public official in a very long time.

GOOGLE NEWS: Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez

Knowledge is power!

I give in, I’m a judgmental prick. Preferably I would rather think of myself as somebody who let others just be, didn’t jump to conclusions quickly and pretty much called things as I see them, but this just isn’t the case. I make snap judgments about people and then hold onto those judgments for as long as I know that individual, rarely giving them the opportunity to redeem themselves in my selfishly conceited mind. It’s tragic really, truly tragic.

One consolation I have for my persnickety viewpoint towards these people who suck at life is just that, more often than not they really suck at life. The type of people that I’m most judgmental about are the people whom we all look at and think, “How in the world do they make it through life?” Admit it, you’ve thought it!

I know this woman who laughs at the end of every thing she or somebody else says, usually when it’s not funny. I love to make people laugh and I love to laugh, but a response to “How are you?” is not always funny. It’s not even a genuine laugh, it’s the sort of laugh that literally sounds like “ha ha ha, he he he,” telling everyone that “this is my fake laugh.” We all have a fake laugh, but they are only to be used in very special circumstances: at the end of a story your boss just told you, at the horrible jokes the lady at the Gap says while you’re trying to return that sweater that you “never wore,” even at the stupid shit kids say! Overuse of the fake laugh is like the boy who cried wolf, overtime people will just come to view as somebody who, you guessed it, sucks at life.

People who tell me a casual story (meaning one of a trip to the store or about a family member, a non-funny story) but then unnecessarily break into a new voice are also tragic victims of life suckery. The occasional use of a different voice while telling an interesting and funny story is great, but going into full on details in a new voice with a story that is way to simple to need the new voice is just creepy. When I hear people break into this voice and then remain in that voice I think, “Where’d my friend go to? Is he possessed? Could this need to really illustrate this very mundane story possibly be a sign of insanity? Is he going to kill me? Do I have my papers in order?” Just creepy I say!

So yes, I am judgmental, it’s true, but is that such a bad thing? I suppose I could say that we all have our ticks, whatever. Don’t awkwardly laugh and use a weird voice, simple as that!

The Simpsons Movie website allows you to create yourself (or anybody you like) as a Simpsons character. I attempted to animate myself, I think I came sorta close. Check it out!