Who is Miley Cyrus?  Where did she come from?  And, forgive me for being crass, but does anybody else think she looks like a horse?

The most I know about her is that she has a show on Disney, she’s 15 and recently posed topless (sort of, not really, I felt gipped).  For some reason she’s all the talk these days.  Has she replaced Britney?

If her family relations are any indication, we won’t have to hear much more about Miss Cyrus.  Her father’s achy, breaky, heart only lasted a couple beats before it fizzled.

Honestly, I don’t care about her at all, only that she makes headline news on “serious” news outlets.  Seriously, is her photo’s really warrant headline news on CNN?

And is it just me or does this story reek of publicity stunt?   I read an article this morning that the Vanity Fair website, the magazine the photos appear in, shut down due to so much traffic.  That’s a lot of attention going in the direction of a magazine struggling to compete with online competitors.  And doesn’t it give Miss Cyrus a bit of an edge, maybe a chance to go from the Disney Channel to something more adult?  No, I don’t mean Skinamax!

I’ve never felt comfortable with the overt sexuality that comes with being a gay man.  Perhaps my unintentional celibate lifestyle has something to do with it. 

Personally I just don’t know how to respond to such frank discussions of sex.  The other night someone was talking about an underwear party they went to.  They said, “Really it’s just a sex party.  I had an alright time.  I did receive one of the best blow jobs of my life there.”  He said this as if it were a restaurant or something, like the blow job was just the amazing dessert that you just had to try, and totally made up for the normative establishment.  The blow job was expressed so casually.  In my experience, blow jobs are anything but casual.  Messy, yes; casual, no.

I was explaining this blow job matter to a straight friend of mine.  She wondered how gay men stay erect for so long at sex parties.  I informed her that it’s more than likely due to the cock ring.  She didn’t know what that was, so I proceeded to explain that the ring, placed around the penis and the scrotum, keeps the blood in that area causing a prolonged erection.  “It’s sort of like an all natural Viagra.  An organic enhancer, if you will.”  I said this so casually, as if everybody should know what a cock ring is. 

I feel I am destined to be a bridge between the sexually charged gay community and the rest of the world.  I will explain the sexual mysteries of the gay world in simpler terms that all will understand.  I suppose I’m the gays Barack Obama, an approachable gay, a hybrid gay, fluid enough to flow through the various factions that make up the masses. 

H. Alan Scott is Ambassador Gayity!  Holla!

I’m a late night muncher.  I don’t mean that I will wake up in the middle of the night and tear apart of a cheesecake (unless I’m living out my “Golden Girls” fantasies, if you’re gay you know what I mean).  Let’s say I’m having a casual night, no stand up gigs, no work events; just myself and the remote.  I’ll snack on a little something before I make a nice dinner.  Then dinner.  Then a sweet snack (typically a rice cake with jam).  Then what follows is a total mystery to me.  It’s like a marathon of snacking.  A little of this, a little of that.  If I have something salty, then naturally I need something sweet.  It doesn’t end until I retire to bed.  Why do I do this?

I blame Vicki Lawrence, better known as Mama Harper from “Mama’s Family.”  As a child, “Mama’s Family” would come on at 11:00pm, way past my bedtime.  I would watch the hour long set of white trash goodness while munching on potato chips, hostess cupcakes, meatloaf, whatever was around.  Overtime “Mama’s Family” was replaced by “The Golden Girls.”  The late night cheesecake consumption on the show only solidified my late night eating desires.  Then, in the late 90’s, “Seinfeld” took over the late night stretch of TV.  Jerry’s cereal snacking became another habit that I gladly picked up and added to my snacking addiction.

Who could offer me the change needed in my diet?  I feel like if somebody could prove that I will wind up looking like Jimmy Kimmel if I continue down this path, then I would stop my late night stacking right quick.

Jealous? He’s fantastic, check out Carson Kressley’s site and watch “How to Look Good Naked” on Lifetime.

Oh yeah, and register for AIDS Walk New York! Right now, why aren’t you going there, GO NOW!

I’m a runner, I will run anywhere I’ve got to.  If there isn’t a track or park near by, I’ll run on the streets.  I’m also cheap, refusing to buy the flashy running clothes and shoes.  I’ll wear what I’ve got.

Currently I’m living in a beautiful yet parkless area of Brooklyn.  So in the mornings I must hit the streets.

As I run through Brooklyn, sometimes a construction worker or group of kids will yell comments my way.  Sometimes they’re encouraging, but more often than not it’s some pissy statement.  Often I’ve heard, “Run, Forrest, run,” but this morning the guy put a new twist on it, “Run, faggot, run!”

I was appalled.  He’s calling me faggot for that?  I could give him all sorts of other reasons to call me faggot.

Thankfully I wasn’t wearing my leg warmers and “Hello Kitty” headband.

I saw a man in a wheelchair leave Starbucks the other day. He had a dog with him, it only had three legs. A tragic sight. I’ve heard of people resembling their pets after a while, but this is taking it too far.

Imagine what a game of fetch is like for these two. “Great, the ball is in the pond, now what are we gonna do?”

I’m not a fan of dogs. I try to be, I’ll even fake a reaction on the street. “Awww, cute puppy, blah blah blah…” Of course the dog has nothing to do with it, it’s all about the indirect attention I get from the pet owner.

A fair explanation for my hatred lies in the fact that I’m a runner. Occasionally I get chased by a dog. However, to be honest, the chase happens infrequently. More often then not I get attacked by the small dogs on leashes. These little slipper dogs are vicious, they go straight for the ankle. They’re sort of like Joe Pecsi, looks innocent enough, but he’ll kick your ass.

And the owners of these pint sized beasts pay no attention to the attack. Some even awkwardly laugh it off, “Aww, I’m sorry, ha, the little doggy attacks the BIG runner.” As if the actual ankle bite is just expected, it’s what tiny dogs do. Next time I’m going to grab their shirt and rip it off, saying, “This just isn’t working on you. I’m gay, so I know, it’s what I do!”

Why do I love Harvey Fierstein?

1 - Torch Song Trilogy, an amazing play and film from the 80’s. I saw the movie when I was just realizing that I was gay and what it meant to be gay, it helped me tremendously. It’s about a man in the 80’s trying to have a “normal” life, but on his own terms. RENT IT!

2 - Independence Day and Mrs. Doubtfire, small yet memorable appearances. “Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match…”

3 - Hairspray, Fierstein was the original Edna Turnblad (you know, the one John Travolta played).

4 - He wrote the book to the musical La Cage aux Folles (again, you know it even though you think you don’t, The Birdcage was the Americanized version of it).

And now A Catered Affair. His fantastic new musical based on the film The Catered Affair. It’s about a Bronx family in 1953, the young daughter plans to get married shortly after the family learns of the death of her brother in the Korean War. Her parents commit their life savings to putting on a lavish ceremony, even though the family business is in desperate need of the money. Aggie, her mother, feels guilty for neglecting her daughter and commits to give her the beautiful ceremony she never had. Aggie’s gay brother, this is where Mister Fierstein comes in, serves as Aggie’s support and pseudo narrator of the musical.

GO SEE THIS SHOW! It’s not a show stopper, there are no dance numbers, no bells and whistles, but it’s a beautiful story set to lovely songs about one family’s ordeal after the loss of a loved one and the hope of a brighter future in a lavish wedding. Friggin fantastic!

So the video content is shit, I just wanted to share my first Blackberry phone video. I love that I can take videos on my phone, e-mail them and then post on YouTube. Expect many more videos from here on out.

New York buddies, COME TO THIS PARTY ON FRIDAY!

There’s a strong chance that I will lose my pants through out the course of the evening. Seriously, this is not to be missed.

x’s and o’s

Does anybody else feel strangely excited to see Daniel Radcliffe perform in “Equus?” Yes, it’s an amazing play, but besides that, it’s also filled with an awfully disturbing (and somewhat titillating) nude scene between the lead male and a horse.

My drama teacher in high school introduced me to the show. He assigned selected scenes for me to read, and then had me watch the classic film starring Richard Burton. I was moved by the first half, but midway through, when the guy did his dirty thing with the horses, the horny teen took over and, well, all I’ve got to say is thank the lord for double head VCR’s!

Now it’s coming to Broadway, and Harry Potter is in it. I’m older now and can watch a male nude scene without excusing myself to the restroom. However, to be honest, I’m a little thrilled to see Mister Radcliffe in the buff. But as I write that, a hint of guilt falls over me. He’s Harry Potter, the boy wizard (emphasis on boy). Yes he’s a fully grown man now, but still, in popular culture he’s still a boy riding a broom. There are a couple Harry Potter movies to go, so for years to come he will still be known as a boy rather than as a man.

I’ll wear all black to the theater, maybe wide rimmed glasses. Looking like an intellectual, New York theater-goer will be my cover. Who am I kidding? I’ll still just be the pedophile, just in black with glasses.