Last night I went to “The Ian Harvie Show” at the Largo Theater in Hollywood. Ian Harvie, fantastic comic, check him out if he comes to your town.

 *****

I am envious of people who can hear something, immediatly remember it and be able to quote it a week later.  Without fail, when I’m telling somebody a story, I’m stuttering my way to get the quote out, always ending with, “Well, you get the gist of it.”

However, I loathe the people who flaunt this memorzation talent.  These bitches, they’ll say, “Where’s this from…,” then proceed to say the quote and wait for me to say where it’s from.  Of course, I don’t instantly remember.  And of course it’s obvious once they tell me where it’s from.  ”Oh yeah, of course ‘There’s no place like home,’ is from The Wizard of Oz.”

The worst are people who hum or sing verses from songs and then expect you to name that tune.  I can handle this, but only for a second or two.  But these people never just go for a second or two.  They keep going, rubbing in the fact that you don’t know.  After the first few seconds I’m smiling, “Oh man, I dunno,” then a couple more seconds pass, “Hmmm, um, you got me, I really don’t know,” then a minute passes, “I do not know,” until finally, “Okay, I’ll see you later,” and I walk away.

Since I can’t quote things, I’ve decided to do something I am good at it.  From here on out, I will ask people to name that meal.  The lucky particpant will have to tell what I had for my previous meal.  How are they going to be able to tell what I had since I’ve already eaten it?  This is a clean blog, think creatively!   

xoxo 

There’s this creepy guy in my building who is always going to the bathroom whenever I go to the bathroom.  He has douche bag written all over him: tucked in black shirt, spiky hair, sunglasses on head.  Ugh, he makes me feel dirty. Then again, I’m always going to the bathroom whenever he’s going to the bathroom.  I am that guy?!? 

Want to see an awkward movie?  See Towelhead.  A-W-K-W-A-R-D!

***** 

Last night I dreamt that I went out for a night run (which I never do), in a shady neighborhood (which I don’t live in), and two men started chasing me.  I ran faster then them (naturally, have you seen my calves?), but they didn’t give up easily.  They never caught up with me, at least I don’t think they did, all I can remember is them chasing me.  What does this mean?

 Before I went to bed I had some rice cakes and a Fresca.  Could that be a fatal combination?  I also watched “Desperate Housewives” and an American Experience documentary on Richard Nixon.  Maybe Tricky Dick haunted my dreams?

Whatever it means, at least I got a run in, right?

*****

I also saw the fantastic new musical, 9 to 5, this weekend.  Dolly Parton + Broadway = every gay man’s wet dream.  And it stars Allison Janney.  I don’t usually speak of my love for Allison Janney, but she is fantastic.  See the show if you’re going to be in LA, or wait for it to come to Broadway.  

Can I tell you how excited I am that it’s Friday?  This has been such a long week, I need some nice R & R.

Plans: Performing tonight!  Seeing the new Dolly Parton musical, “9 to 5″ tomorrow.  I will run.  Go see a movie, maybe the new Spike Lee, “Miracle at St. Ana” or “Choke” (why not both!).  And I will sleep 8 hours.  Wow, a full 8 hours!

Life is good in HAlanScott.com land!

I’m so excited! Come see me do my funny thang at the world famous Laugh Factory!

xoxoxo

I am a huge movie guy.  I never go to the movies because I’m bored, I plan the movies as apart of my week, it’s just as important as grocery shopping or running.  So being that type of person, I can see how people would be surprised by my never having seen The Godfather.

I avoided it for the same reasons I tend to avoid Martin Scorcese films, I think they’re too violent, too masculine for me.  And then I leave a Scorcese film saying, “That wasn’t so bad, in fact, it was amazing!”

Well The Godfather is amazing.  Everything about it, it was perfect, filmmaking at it’s best.  Yes, it was violent, but it was necassary to the story.  And the testosterone level, while intense, not as overpowering as some make it out to be.  In fact, it was the sensitivity, the love for the family, that touched me the most.  The way Vito loved his family, that there’s nothing more important than family, just beautiful.  I kept thinking everytime I started to get emotional, “WTF Scott?!?!  These people are horrible, murderers!”

My roomie said the “… one definition of a great movie (or any work of art) is that it makes one think, or at least uncomfortable on some level.”  The Godfather did that for me, and then some!  Tonight I’m seeing The Godfather, Part 2.

Note to self: Sit by the aisle.  I was on the edge of my seat by the 2 hour mark, but only cause I had to pee so badly.

This has made my day!

Sarah Palin had Evita’s “Rainbow Tour,”  yesterday, jumping from one meeting with a world leader to another.  She met with Afghan President Hamid Karzai at a hotel in Manhattan.  On the coffee table in front of them were, what I presume, a plate of homemade chocolate-chip cookies.  Classy and bold move, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I never thought it would work with foreign diplomacy too!

She also met with Henry Kissinger, Nixon’s former bestie.  During every meeting all Palin did was smile, I never saw her speak.  Obviously Kissinger took it the wrong way and thought she was flirting with him.  Below he goes in for an awkward first move.  Flirting apparently isn’t the way to conduct international business, note to self.

Everybody knows a Latin man digs foreheads. Below Palin tries to woo Colombian President Alvaro Uribe with her mighty forehead powers. “Go ahead, touch it.”

I love award shows, I’m that sort of gay man.  I won’t even go to award show parties, mainly because people get pissed at me when I “Shhhhhh” them in the middle of a speech.  I like to enjoy the show, the awards, the reunions, the memories, and sometimes the dresses.

But last night’s Emmy broadcast was painful.  First off, Heidi Klum should never open her mouth for any other reason then to say, “In fashion, you’re either in or your out.”  The five hosts bantered nonesense back and forth.  The only highlights I can muster together were…

• Jean Smart winning for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for “Samantha Who.”  I’ve loved that lady ever since “Designing Women.”
• Don Rickles presenting with Kathy Griffin.  I love her, but she couldn’t get a word in next to him.  He’s a legend, and I adore him.
• Steve Martin presenting an Emmy to Tommy Smothers.  Why doesn’t Steve Martin do stand up anymore?!?
• Tina Fey is the shit and deserves everything she ever gets.  Watch “30 Rock!”

Of course I’ll watch next year, cause like I said, I’m that sort of gay man.  But Emmy producers, get a comedian to host the show!  I can be reached at HAlanScott@gmail.com. 

I visited my “good” friend Cadillac while I was in NYC.  at least we used to be friends.