I think the title of my autobiography is going to be, “I Shouldn’t Have Eaten That.”  It wouldn’t be a self-help book in regards to eating, but rather just a reflection on how important food has been in my life, and the sticky situations it has gotten me into.

It is well known, I used to be fat.  

In 4th grade I used to walk to school with my friend Ian.  One morning he offered me a cookie.  He  had two cookies in his hand.  I took both, ate immediately.  Then he said the other one was for him.  Oops.  It would have been funnier if I wasn’t fat, but since I was, it was just pathetic.  I still feel embarrassed about that.  I let it ruin our friendship.

I was a night eater (still am a little).  I would sneak into the kitchen and eat the shit out of whatever was there, cookies, chips, meat loaf.  The next morning my step-mother would become furious at how quickly the box of cereal she got yesterday had went.  I always blamed my fatter brother.  Again, the shame and guilt!

Food has always = shame and guilt, or led to it.  Rarely have I ever eaten anything and then gotten laid afterwards.

Actually, I take that back.  When I lived in Chicago I would order Domino’s Pizza with my ex.  After speedy consumption we would fool around, sometimes without washing our hands.  Word to the wise, do not do this.  There is something in Domino’s Pizza that makes sensitive areas burn uncontrollably.  

They say you are what you eat.  I eat a lot of fiber these days.  So I guess I’m just regular.  

So yes, I should not have eaten that.

The Chinese are overreacting - again! Due to the outbreak of the swine flu (or H1N1, as the smarty pants are calling it), they are taking extraordinary precautions in order to contain the virus. They have quarantined Mexican citizens in China and canceled all air travel between the two countries.  The Mexican government is angry, but fear taking aggressive action against the country.  One wrong move and half of the products sold in Mexico won’t be produced.  How will they push their Chinese made sombrero’s on unsuspecting American tourists on holiday in Cancun?

I’ll admit it, I fear the swine flu.  It’s in New York City!  A bunch kids in Queens caught it, they are fine.  I mean, thank God it was Queens, but it’s still scary!

My Mexican is coming from Los Angeles tomorrow!  I worry about him traveling on a plane during this pandemic scare.  Everyone on the plane will undoubtedly be staring at him because he’s a Mexican traveling on a plane.  If anybody coughs they are going to look to him.  I advised him to take percautionary DayQuill and turn down any offers of bacon.  Godspeed Miggy!