One of my favorite things about getting the Sunday edition of the NY Times is the wedding section.  Alright, please refrain from thinking, “How gay!,” it isn’t like that.  My interest does not lie in the pics of the dresses or the details, but the gay people announcing their commitments to one another.  For someone of my generation, have grown up in two worlds, one where being gay was okay just not publically accepted to one where being gay is actually fashionable, seeing two men announce their wedding plans in the newspaper is still pretty friggin exciting!

Think of the 13 year old out there right now, reading his parents newspaper, coming across the announcement of two men’s wedding plans, thinking, “Alright, these feelings aren’t so bad, this is normal, maybe I can tell Mom I’m gay.” (Cause we always tell Mom first, right?)

The other couple announcements are fine, I’m sure they will live long and happy lives together.  But there is a bit of cynicism attributed to the straight couples, something like you-have-it-so-easy type of emotion, do they even realize this?  Straight people take for granted that they can file mutual taxes, receive federal benefits for their marriage, and adopt without having to explain why they share the same bed.  It isn’t their fault they’re straight and have it so easy, but I will always remind them of it.  It’s the older Jewish woman inside of me.

Will I announce my wedding plans in the NY Times?  Um, do you know what I do?  I’m a comic, which loosely translates to “attention whore”  I’m going for the front page!

I am leaving for Los Angeles on July 5th.  Splitting my year between LA and NYC is nice, I can’t really complain.  Every complaint I would have about it is totally compensated by everything that is great about it.  It allows me to say I’m bi, which doesn’t give me much credibility outside of men on the downlow, but nonetheless fun to say.

LA is my rehab, where I go to sleep, get healthy, and recoup.  NYC is home, so naturally I’m busier here.  I live in an amazing location there, near Griffith Park, and things are generally slower.  

All of this leads to me adding a new idea to my “New Thing Adventure.”  

- Focus on writing by writing everyday!

Yes, this is not a new thing that can be easily checked off the list.  It will also go beyond the 27 days leading up to my 27th birthday (on July 10).  But it will start during the “New Thing Adventure,” and is a new thing.

My goal is to focus on writing for a one man show in the future.  I must say, I hate the way “one man show” sounds.  To me it just sounds so gay.  But there’s no other way to describe it.  It will consist of me, a stage, and words, so, one man show it is.

What a fun show!

On July 10th I will turn 27 years old.  So the 26 days before my birthday I will be on my annual “New Thing Adventure,” something I do before every birthday.  Of course, on the 27th day I do the obvious new thing, be 27!

The adventure begins on Sunday, June 14 (Flag Day).  In the 27 days I will be in New York, St. Louis, and Los Angeles.

I need ideas.  I’ve got a few going, but if you’ve got anything for me, send it my way!  Below are just a sampling of what I’ve got so far.

1. Be 27!

2. See a vagina in real life (as opposed to on film/internet).

3. Give my number to a guy at the bar.

4. Perform without a set list.

5. Go to MoMA: The Museum of Modern Art.

6. Get the Prospect Park tattoo I’ve been itching for.

7. Leave my cell at home for a full day.

8. Go on a NYC bike tour.

9. Hike the trails in Griffith Park.

10. Memorize all of the Presidents.

11. Go to the New York Gay Pride Parade.

12. Visit the FDR Presidential Library.

13. Go on a real date with a black guy (rather than just a hook up).

14. Visit the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

Send me more ideas!!!

Alright, so I’ve been a shitty blogger lately.  Life exploded for a bit.  To the 12 people who will read this, I am sorry.

What have I been up to?  

• There was AIDS Walk New York (5.6 million, shoop shoop).  That was amazing.  
• Then comedy, which is going well.  
• Philadelphia with Lori White (and Ben Franklin).  
• Preparing to leave for LA!  Beginning of July I’ll be leaving on a jet plane.  Eeeek, I’m nervous!
• The Brooklyn Half Marathon tomorrow!!  Third year in a row!

So yeah, I’ve been busy!

I also signed back up for Match.com.  Figured it would be a good way to meet men in LA.  I don’t tan, rarely drink, and hate the gym, so my ability to meet gay men in the normal fashion is limited out there.  What’s fun about Match is that you can type in keywords to search for men.  I typed in Shirley MacLaine.  Various men who look like my father turned up.  It was like looking into a mirror of my future.  This cannot happen to me!

I am spent.  More to come.

Nice days in New York City are amazing.  I’m sure they are that way everywhere, the fact that it’s nice out makes it amazing, right?  I suppose in war torn places nice weather might not equate amazing day.  Sunny days makes it easier to see where you’re bombing.

Nice weather in NYC brings out disgusting behavior in straight people.  I enjoy reading the newspaper in the park on the weekends, but get distracted by the heavy petting and deep face sucking happening all around me by my straights brothers and sisters.  Straight readers, why do you do this?  It’s not natural.

Straight men in particular are concerning.  As they deep throat the ladies face, they place their hands on her buttocks.  Delicatly, the cup the butt cheek like it’s a teacup.  Then they regroup in the center, placing both hands over the natural curtain of the body.

Do they really think they have a chance back there?  You can tell that her butt cheeks are clinched so tight she could crack a walnut.  She’s thinking, “Hey buddy, no no no, don’t even dream it.”

So the President of Paraguay is in deep doo doo. He got elected on the campaign of giving the gov’t new life, a fresh start from years of corrupt leadership. Once elected, news comes out that he’s fathered a child with a woman. Then another child with a different lady. And then another. To be honest, at first this didn’t shock me. I mean, hello, we’ve had our frisky leaders before. What makes this story so amazing is that the dude used to be a priest. A priest! I suppose all those years of celibacy will get to ya eventually!

*****

I no longer use Match.com, but guys keep winking at me.  My friend says I need to delete the account to stop getting messages from guys.  I would do it too, but I like the attention too much.

*****

AIDS Walk New York is this weekend.  Will you be there?  Register NOW!

The Chinese are overreacting - again! Due to the outbreak of the swine flu (or H1N1, as the smarty pants are calling it), they are taking extraordinary precautions in order to contain the virus. They have quarantined Mexican citizens in China and canceled all air travel between the two countries.  The Mexican government is angry, but fear taking aggressive action against the country.  One wrong move and half of the products sold in Mexico won’t be produced.  How will they push their Chinese made sombrero’s on unsuspecting American tourists on holiday in Cancun?

I’ll admit it, I fear the swine flu.  It’s in New York City!  A bunch kids in Queens caught it, they are fine.  I mean, thank God it was Queens, but it’s still scary!

My Mexican is coming from Los Angeles tomorrow!  I worry about him traveling on a plane during this pandemic scare.  Everyone on the plane will undoubtedly be staring at him because he’s a Mexican traveling on a plane.  If anybody coughs they are going to look to him.  I advised him to take percautionary DayQuill and turn down any offers of bacon.  Godspeed Miggy!

New York Magazine has this great feature in its current issue about noteworthy people’s arrival in NYC.  I consider myself noteworthy, so I’m sure the invitation to take part in the article from NY Mag got lost in the mail.  In any case, I shall share my story here.

I moved to NYC on Wednesday, November 17, 2004, however I didn’t know it at the time.  I worked in politics and I had just concluded a failed U.S. Senate race in Missouri.  Before my anticipated move back to Chicago, I planned on visiting my friend Lori in Philadelphia, and then my friend Dylan (and future roommate) in NYC.

I took the Chinatown bus up from Philadelphia.  Dylan told me to find the Q train, but didn’t give directions through Chinatown.  After many failed attempts at asking for directions (FYI - never ask for directions in Chinatown, everyone is either Chinese or a tourist), I finally stumbled upon the Q train.

It was late afternoon, the sun was just setting.  The Q train came out onto the Manhattan bridge.  The view of lower Manhattan took my breath away.   There was no way I was going back to Chicago.

A week later I moved into a 4-bedroom apartment overlooking Prospect Park in the Flatbush neighborhood of Brooklyn.  It was a total culture shock for me.  Here I was, a fat, gay, white, man moving into a predominantly black and Hasidic Jewish neighborhood with 3 straight guys from Little Rock, Arkansas.  I wasn’t in Boystown anymore!

I took a job with a closeted gay man running for Manhattan Borough President, but didn’t really do anything at the job.  I hated it, and the only reason I took it was because it paid well, I got my own office and it was in Midtown.  For the first few months in NYC all I did was work and watch marathons of TV on DVD.  Eventually I put down the pizza slice, discovered the benefits of living right on a park, and lost 100 lbs.

I owe NYC so much.  Without it, I probably never would have lost the weight or have shifted from politics to comedy.  NYC is my inspiration.

And now the American Express commercial can begin!