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Presidential Beauty Contest

I’m fascinated by Newt Gingrich.  Yes, as a history nerd, I love his mind.  But that’s not what’s most fascinating to me.  With recent news that his candidacy is surging in South Carolina thanks to his strong debate performances, all I can ask myself is, “Why?”

Let’s be real, the dude is the definition of the word “icky.”  From his appearance to the way he conducts himself.  Even his smile reminds me of the creepy fat dude who, once in the privacy of his own home, you know is wanking to some truly sick porn.

Yes, I know, this shouldn’t matter, it’s the person above the appearance, but let’s be real, this isn’t 1909!  That was when an unfortunately looking man was elected President, William Howard Taft.  There have been questionable ones since then (I’m looking at you FDR and Nixon), but none truly warranting the word “ugly.”

Presidents aren’t just politicians, they are the definition of whatever we define as power at that moment (and, unfortunately, it’s always been in the male form, even when Hillary Clinton cracked the ceiling).  They are a definition of the time:

- Woodrow Wilson: Though not particularly attractive, he had the bookish thing in his corner, sending the electorates libidos into an intellectual orgasm.

- FDR: Yes, crippled, but so was the country (hello, Great Depression!).  But he had that special something, like Susan Boyle.  Sure, she’s a dog, but sings like an angel.

- Lyndon Johnson: Okay, he looked a little too similar to a houndog, but the dude had “MAN” written all over him!  He’d put back a few with you, go skinny dipping, and then shoot something.  And he loved Fresca (my personal favorite sophisticated beverage).

- Ronald Reagan: We needed a Grandpa to feed us jelly beans.

- Bill Clinton: The cigar says it all.

- George W. Bush: He had the dumb girl at the bar you could easily take home for a night of tickle tickle without any extra work required appeal.

So where does this leave Newt Gingrich?  Are we as a country in a place where we’re willing to elect another fugly?  I don’t think so.  If you take Barack Obama and put him next to Gingrich on national television, you’re going to see a smart, tall, dashing black man next to a man who hasn’t seen his penis since 1996.  Yes, the debate will be stuff of television magic, but at the ballot box, people will go for the greater endowments of Obama over the rotundness of a dude named Newt.

It’s a once you go black sorta thing, ya know?


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