On July 10th I will turn 27 years old.  So the 26 days before my birthday I will be on my annual “New Thing Adventure,” something I do before every birthday.  Of course, on the 27th day I do the obvious new thing, be 27!

The adventure begins on Sunday, June 14 (Flag Day).  In the 27 days I will be in New York, St. Louis, and Los Angeles.

I need ideas.  I’ve got a few going, but if you’ve got anything for me, send it my way!  Below are just a sampling of what I’ve got so far.

1. Be 27!

2. See a vagina in real life (as opposed to on film/internet).

3. Give my number to a guy at the bar.

4. Perform without a set list.

5. Go to MoMA: The Museum of Modern Art.

6. Get the Prospect Park tattoo I’ve been itching for.

7. Leave my cell at home for a full day.

8. Go on a NYC bike tour.

9. Hike the trails in Griffith Park.

10. Memorize all of the Presidents.

11. Go to the New York Gay Pride Parade.

12. Visit the FDR Presidential Library.

13. Go on a real date with a black guy (rather than just a hook up).

14. Visit the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

Send me more ideas!!!

Alright, so I’ve been a shitty blogger lately.  Life exploded for a bit.  To the 12 people who will read this, I am sorry.

What have I been up to?  

• There was AIDS Walk New York (5.6 million, shoop shoop).  That was amazing.  
• Then comedy, which is going well.  
• Philadelphia with Lori White (and Ben Franklin).  
• Preparing to leave for LA!  Beginning of July I’ll be leaving on a jet plane.  Eeeek, I’m nervous!
• The Brooklyn Half Marathon tomorrow!!  Third year in a row!

So yeah, I’ve been busy!

I also signed back up for Match.com.  Figured it would be a good way to meet men in LA.  I don’t tan, rarely drink, and hate the gym, so my ability to meet gay men in the normal fashion is limited out there.  What’s fun about Match is that you can type in keywords to search for men.  I typed in Shirley MacLaine.  Various men who look like my father turned up.  It was like looking into a mirror of my future.  This cannot happen to me!

I am spent.  More to come.

The Chinese are overreacting - again! Due to the outbreak of the swine flu (or H1N1, as the smarty pants are calling it), they are taking extraordinary precautions in order to contain the virus. They have quarantined Mexican citizens in China and canceled all air travel between the two countries.  The Mexican government is angry, but fear taking aggressive action against the country.  One wrong move and half of the products sold in Mexico won’t be produced.  How will they push their Chinese made sombrero’s on unsuspecting American tourists on holiday in Cancun?

I’ll admit it, I fear the swine flu.  It’s in New York City!  A bunch kids in Queens caught it, they are fine.  I mean, thank God it was Queens, but it’s still scary!

My Mexican is coming from Los Angeles tomorrow!  I worry about him traveling on a plane during this pandemic scare.  Everyone on the plane will undoubtedly be staring at him because he’s a Mexican traveling on a plane.  If anybody coughs they are going to look to him.  I advised him to take percautionary DayQuill and turn down any offers of bacon.  Godspeed Miggy!

New York Magazine has this great feature in its current issue about noteworthy people’s arrival in NYC.  I consider myself noteworthy, so I’m sure the invitation to take part in the article from NY Mag got lost in the mail.  In any case, I shall share my story here.

I moved to NYC on Wednesday, November 17, 2004, however I didn’t know it at the time.  I worked in politics and I had just concluded a failed U.S. Senate race in Missouri.  Before my anticipated move back to Chicago, I planned on visiting my friend Lori in Philadelphia, and then my friend Dylan (and future roommate) in NYC.

I took the Chinatown bus up from Philadelphia.  Dylan told me to find the Q train, but didn’t give directions through Chinatown.  After many failed attempts at asking for directions (FYI - never ask for directions in Chinatown, everyone is either Chinese or a tourist), I finally stumbled upon the Q train.

It was late afternoon, the sun was just setting.  The Q train came out onto the Manhattan bridge.  The view of lower Manhattan took my breath away.   There was no way I was going back to Chicago.

A week later I moved into a 4-bedroom apartment overlooking Prospect Park in the Flatbush neighborhood of Brooklyn.  It was a total culture shock for me.  Here I was, a fat, gay, white, man moving into a predominantly black and Hasidic Jewish neighborhood with 3 straight guys from Little Rock, Arkansas.  I wasn’t in Boystown anymore!

I took a job with a closeted gay man running for Manhattan Borough President, but didn’t really do anything at the job.  I hated it, and the only reason I took it was because it paid well, I got my own office and it was in Midtown.  For the first few months in NYC all I did was work and watch marathons of TV on DVD.  Eventually I put down the pizza slice, discovered the benefits of living right on a park, and lost 100 lbs.

I owe NYC so much.  Without it, I probably never would have lost the weight or have shifted from politics to comedy.  NYC is my inspiration.

And now the American Express commercial can begin!

I love that city.

When I vacation, I don’t go to beaches or ski resorts.  It’s very difficult for me to relax, I need to be doing something, preferably learning something.  I will travel hours to go to a museum.  A days drive is totally worth it to see where the pilgrim’s landed on Plymouth Rock!

DC satiates my desire to learn.  On Sunday morning I went on a run from Woodley Park to the White House, then ran the course of the mall.  Along the way I visited all the monuments.  I’ve done this numerous times, but it never gets old.

I’m a firm believer in that everything we need to know can be found in historical lessons.  It’s all happened before, and we’d be very well off if we would heed the lessons history has taught us.

Which is why I feel silly for placing my expensive digital camera on a shelf in a port-a-potty in windy Washington, DC.  Wind + portable toilet = chance for disaster, proceed with caution!

I’ve always loved Panda’s.  They are cute, cuddly, and seem to have an awesome all around attitude on life.  As a kid, whenever my family would order Chinese food, I would protest, because it contained bamboo.  Our consumption of this evil food took away food from the endangered Panda’s.

I am currently in Washington, DC.  This morning I ended my run at the DC zoo, to take a gander (my first) at the Panda’s.  They are beautiful, you should see them!

99% of a Panda’s diet is bamboo.  My protest as a child was warranted, thank you very much!  Panda’s, once in captivity, lose their desire to reproduce.  In an effort to get the Panda’s to do the dirty, scientists have taken to extreme measures such as showing Panda’s videos of other Panda’s mating, and offering male Panda’s Viagra.

I never realized Panda’s had so much in common with humans.  You give a guy all the food he can eat, without fear of hunters, make em comfortable, and they lose all interest in sex.

Rosie the Panda says to Billy, “Billy, maybe tonight?”

Billy, “Give me five minutes, I just want to finish this bamboo stick”

And she waits, and waits, and waits.