The official homepage for writer and comedian H. Alan Scott.

Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama’

Mind Dump – December 5th, 2012

When people comment on my bald head, assuming that I’ve shaved it, I correct them. As soon as they hear the word “chemo” they have an incredible “deer caught in headlights” moment. It’s a similar look to when a kid is told that instead of a tooth fairy, it’s really just your Dad sneaking into your room in the middle of the night. I, personally, was very glad when I learned that my Dad was actually the tooth fairy. For years I thought the tooth fairy was a middle aged hairy man who wore ill fitting white briefs.

MIND DUMP – December 5th, 2012

- Don’t do meth. Like seriously folks. Or else you’ll end up looking like a Johnny Depp character.

- The last Chinese President’s wife had a guy killed while the new one covered up his son’s death. Prime examples of leaders with strong family family values!

- Reagan and Obama would agree on raising taxes for the richest Americans, this guys shows us how (though he really should change his shirt if anybody is to take him seriously).

- This and this are still making my day (and will continue to do so for many days to come!).

- Brad Pitt on the New York Times, “All the news that’s fit to… fit to…. why am I here?”

- Fox News is scaling back Karl Rove’s air time. I would love to see what he’s stress eating.

- I’ll drink to that. Oh wait, I can’t afford it.

- Senate Democrats love Bob Dole and his pen, while most Republicans think he’s a gimp and was not afraid to say it to his face.

- Netflix is going to stream Disney movies. Finally, I don’t have to feel ashamed of buying the DVD’s in person!

- I’m beginning to like Mitt Romney. I’ll love him if he releases a sex tape titled “Sexy Times at Costco with Ann.

- Oh, and before you Instagram that sandwich you’re eating, watch this…



A now I’m a satisfied voter!

I have a similar shirt @BarackObama, except mine reads, “This Is What a Jewish Feminist Looks Like.”

The Whisper

My mother will whisper things she doesn’t think are appropriate to say out loud. I remember once, when talking about female wrestlers, she said in a regular volume, “You know most of them,” and then whispered, “lesbians.”

I don’t know if this is a uniquely American thing. When I studied in Germany I wanted a bagel, but there never were any to be had. Lots of other pastries, but no bagels. I asked why, but they never gave a reason other than, “we do not eat them.” But let’s be honest, Jews are famous for their bagels, but they’re famous in Germany for other reasons. So there they just avoid rather than whisper.

What’s amazing is that usually when people whisper things they think might offend others, it’s almost always in the company of like minded people. For example, my mom will say, “So I went to my hairdresser,” and then whisper, “she’s black,” standing around 4 upper-middle class white women in their 50′s. I have a feeling they probably have said/heard worse.

Perhaps Obamas ascendancy to the Presidency will squelch the use of the unnecessary whisper. It would sound a little silly to say, “Obama is the first,” and then whisper, “black President.” But maybe part of the Obama strategy was to fool all of those middle aged Midwesterners into thinking he’s just very tan, I mean, they did play up the fact that he’s from Hawaii. It’s conceivable they had no idea he’s… well, you know… black, shhhh.

Madame Secretary

Can we just agree on one thing: Hillary Clinton has become the shit, right?  Like, woah, she’s totes in hear realm.

I supported her during the election.  Well, at first I supported Obama, then I endorsed Edwards because Jean Smart of “Designing Women” fame endorsed him, and finally I settled on Clinton because of her postion on health care (it was the first time I supported a candidate for legitimate issues, rather than for them being a Democrat or black).  I loved everything about her campaign, and her concession speech was probably the most eloquent and moving concession speech I’ve ever heard.

I had hoped she’d find a place in the Obama administration, but didn’t count on it.  I predicted he would go for a totally fresh cast of charcaters, anti-establishment types.  But then when it was announced Clinton would be the Secretary of State nominee, it was almost like my best friend had just been elected Student Body President, I was thrilled.  

I knew she’d be awesome at the job, but didn’t anticipate her being as cool as she has become.  As my friend Lori pointed out, Obama’s statements always say he’s “… deeply concerned…,” whereas Clinton’s are like, “… there’s just no basis for that…”  It’s like she can now be the smarty pants we’ve always wanted her to be but she could never be, cause she had to be a politician.  No more, now she can be like, “Nope, you’re wrong, and let me tell you why…”

She is amazing, I adore her, and love that she can now be that know-it-all we all hated in high school but really don’t mind having negotiate us out of nuclear war with North Korea.

Check out the wax version of her.  Spooky!

You’re a Lefty

Have you seen the video of Nancy Reagan and Barack Obama together?  Hilarious!  I love the look on Obama’s face when she observes, “You’re a lefty,” as if it were some subtle political blow (which it probably was).  Nonetheless hilarious!

Obama, the Fitness Instructor

Everytime Obama speaks, I imagine him saying to himself, “Shoot, I said it!”  Seriously, this man speaks words of gold.  And he says it in such a way that makes you go, “Fuck yeah!”

Now I am not one to idolize elected officials, they are human, thus making them just as vunrelable to greed and corruption like everybody else.  In fact, they have a greater chance of being greedy and corrupted because of their easy access to power.  However, I have fallen (within reason) for the powerful spell of Obama’s wooing.

He touched on so many issues that tickle my pickle.  From what he’s going to do to bring our country back economincally to the Iraq troop withdrawl, I loved it all.  But two points really stood out for me.

1) “And so tonight, I ask every American to commit to at least one year or more of higher education or career training.  This can be community college or a four-year school; vocational training or an apprenticeship.  But whatever the training may be, every American will need to get more than a high school diploma.  And dropping out of high school is no longer an option.  It’s not just quitting on yourself, it’s quitting on your country – and this country needs and values the talents of every American.  That is why we will provide the support necessary for you to complete college and meet a new goal:  by 2020, America will once again have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world.”

2) “So let there be no doubt: health care reform cannot wait, it must not wait, and it will not wait another year.”

When he said those two quotes, I did a happy dance in my room.  It was the first time I danced to something the President said in my lifetime.  Yet another reason Obama rules, he encourages Americans to take part in cardiovascular exorcises like dancing!