I witnessed something amazing last night, Patti LuPone in Gypsy.  Seriously people, I was blown away by the story, the show, the performances.  Shockingly I had very little understanding of the musical, I had never seen the movie version and only knew a couple of the songs.  Just amazing.

Seeing Patti LuPone live is like witnessing Jesus turn water into wine.  There, I said it!  She has this quality, this average lady quality, that just explodes when she opens her mouth, revealing this powerful piece of machinery called her voice.  That shit is well oiled and should be boxed up and sold for millions.    If she asked me to tattoo her name on my butt, I would.

Color me thrilled! Go see this show if you’re coming to New York City this summer.  The cheap seats are great (it’s at the St. James, so there isn’t really a bad seat in the house).

Everybody is not gay. That is something that may come as a shock to my homosexual friends out there. Everybody is not gay.

Many gay people will automatically assume that this celebrity or that celebrity is gay. Oprah, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, I’ve even heard Dolly Parton; all are apparently gay. Why? Or rather, how do you know? I will be the first to admit that I have poor gaydar, but I would feel safe putting money down on Dolly Parton being pretty straight. Just saying.

It’s not that we need icons. We’ve got Madonna, Bette, Cher, Barbra. And for the younger gays, they’ve got Britney, Christina, Beyonce. Placing false hope in Clooney coming out of the closest is a waste of time, don’t you think?

Next time I hear somebody say that so and so is gay, I’m going to retort with, “Really? Cause I heard that Melissa Etheridge is actually bisexual,” (nobody would believe she were straight). Or rather, “Ellen DeGeneres secretly married Dr. Phil over the weekend. Seriously. It’s a merger of talk show greatness.”

Ashton Kutcher is gay though, that rumor is true.

After reading my friend over at A Blue State of Mind’s blog entry about doing a Google image search of yourself, I had to do the same.  I figured something normal would come up, maybe a photo from the blog or something.  But instead I was smacked in the face with a big fat WTF?!

 It’s fat Scotty friends!  Look at me.  Screw Joan Allen (whom I totally love), but wow, is that really me?

I’m a happy guy. Sometimes I can be mellow, often boring, but I’m pretty much happy through out it all. So why is it that I find myself surrounded by Debbie Downers?

Everyone I’ve come in contact with lately (excluding Lori) has been angry, upset or sad. WTF people?!? “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” so said some dead old white guy. Hell, he’s dead and happy, why can’t that joy spread to others?

I think it’s because most people don’t have enough fiber in their diet, especially during the holidays. Everyone’s just walking around hoping for a good poop. They eat a sugar cookie, maybe some peppermint bark, a little turkey here and there, but what about a good apple? No, apple pie doesn’t count (or does it?).

So to all the negative nellies out there, shut up and eat a prune!

FYI, Marry Poppins is on, it’s Friday, and I’m totally willing to cancel plans just to watch it. When did I become this gay? Dick Van Dyke is dreamy!

Send me an email at HAlanScott@gmail.com

OMG you guys. Amy Sedaris + Dolly Parton = perfection. Big time WOW!

Currently watching the series finale of “Extras.” Have you seen this show? Ricky Gervais, the mastermind behind the original “The Office,” is the creator and star. Check it out, I love it.

Send me an email at TheScottBlog@gmail.com

I’m horrible with men. I don’t know what to do with them. One will take an interest in me and eventually I’ll treat them like a pesky waitress at TGIFriday’s, “YES, I’m doing fine, leave me alone!”

The root of my trepidation with men comes from my FFF (Former Fat Fuck) days. In a way it was easier to date as a fatty, I compensated with humor, which made me a fantastic date. Unfortunately most of my humor was based on fat jokes. A skinny guy telling a fat joke about himself just doesn’t hold the hilarity needed to make a lasting impression.

Of course the real kicker is the type of guys that take an interest in me. I seem to attract bipolar and/or shallow guys who lack the chutzpah needed to keep up with me. The shallow behavior can easily be mistaken for confidence, but typically I don’t find out about the bipolar disorder until we’ve already moved in together and are planning to adopt a Chinese baby.

So who is my ideal man? Well, he’d have to be funny (but not funnier than me). So I guess he’d have to have a little Steve Carell in him. I’d like him to have the intelligence of Anderson Cooper with the spontaneity of Steve Martin. (Sidebar: I think I have a thing for a older guys, hmmmm?). I’d also like him to have a little Betty White in him, just cause she’s gives all in her presence that homey feeling. I wonder what this creation would look like?
Yes boys and girls, it’s Jesse Irwin, my new love and the lead singer of the Dock Ellis Band. I wrote about him and the band a couple of blogs ago, check out the video. If only Jesse knew about our love, he’d probably write a witty song about it and book a chapel in Massachusetts.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

BTW, loving the snow here in the Midwest. It’s certainly a winter wonderland.Gotta go play, peace out friends!

Send me an email at TheScottBlog@gmail.com

I have nothing to write about, life is good. I feel obligated to update. Here goes…

* Obese black ladies with kick ass voices rock my world. Seriously, rock my motha-friggin world!

* I can’t stop baking. Today I made gingerbread muffins, carrot cake and pumpkin cookies. I rule!

* Jesse Irwin is still my boyfriend.

* I started my bike training today. Ow! Totally different set of muscles. You know you have your priorities out of whack when you treat yourself to a cupcake after a work out.

* I need a date.

* Lori White is my Alicia Keys.

* Alicia Keys is everything.

Smile y’all, Christmas is just around the corner! Peace out.

Send me an email at TheScottBlog@gmail.com

Oh Mister Hawkeye
your corn is enticing
I won’t lie
the cold aint exciting.

Ottumwa (pronounced Uh-tuhm-wa), is where my hat hangs.
It’s a pullover, very warm.
Tom Arnold, best remembered as Roseanne’s husband, is an Ottumwan.
Their famous loose meat sandwiches started here,
Canteen Lunch Alley, where it all began.

Loose meat,
sounds like a metaphor
for some gay after school special.

Mayor Jerry Parker
declared Ottumwa “Video Game Capital of the World”
in 1982.
Seriously? 1982?
I was zero.

Were Atari’s even out then?

Iowa, millions and millions served since 1846.

Send me an email at TheScottBlog@gmail.com

Why does someone choose to do a marathon? It’s sort of a silly thing to do, to put your body under that much stress. Maybe it’s just made for hardcore distance runners. The average person’s body is not meant for the sort of strain 26.2 miles puts on the body.

So why did I do it? Because I kick ass!

Yes friends, it’s true, I kick the ass like no other. I am Scott, the marathon running ass kicker. I started the marathon at 6:10am and finished 4 hours and 14 minutes later.

I beat Oprah’s time too! Doing something better than Oprah makes me feel special. It isn’t everyday one can feel above Queen Oppie.

Along the way I thought about a lot of things: how much weight I’ve lost, how far I’ve come physically, my friends and family, what I was going to eat after the race, Paula Abdul. But the one thought that really got me through the long stretches was how it felt to do stand up comedy. That feeling of being on stage, entertaining, being me; it’s what I need to be doing. 2008 is going to be all about doing all I need to do to hone my skills in comedy.

I’m so glad I ran the race. I’m even more glad that it’s over. I’ll be in St. Louis, MO in a couple of hours, with my family and friends, and will settle in to relax, laugh and explore the city that I love.

Send me an email at TheScottBlog@gmail.com

I’m convinced that the weather people on the local news in Los Angeles secretly get a kick out horrible weather conditions hitting California. There’s this air of glee that one can detect when they talk about the fires, or an earthquake, even the occasional rain. These tragedies give them the opportunity to say something other than, “It’s going to be a beautiful day out there.”

Angelinos are blessed with a fantastic climate (looking past the smog). So to compensate for not having much to report, the weather people the local stations put on are either eye candy or there for the sake of humor. The women are no older than 25 (or made to look that way) and the men would have been used car salesmen if they weren’t on the air. The ladies show the boobs and the fellas either don’t wear ties or don unconventional colored shirts to give off the impression that their “cool” or “hip.”

Recently I saw this one forecaster (or something like that) talking about the Santa Ana winds and the information he’s been getting from the National Weather Service. “Whenever I get the word of change in the temperature or conditions from my friends at the NWS, I’ll be sure to report it to ya,” he said with the smile of a schmuck as he enunciated ‘ya’. National Weather Service? Isn’t that just Weather.com?

What if he typed in 10010 (New York zip code) instead of 90010 (Los Angeles zip code)?

“A winter advisory warning is in effect for all of Los Angeles! Not only is it freezing out there but a massive snowstorm appears to be on its way. Break out the parka’s friends. Wait, scratch that, go out and buy a parka, you’re gonna need it!”

All of Los Angeles would be in a panic. That forecast would be a modern day version of Orson Welle’s broadcast of War of the Worlds. People would be killing for the last pair of gloves.

Send me an email at TheScottBlog@gmail.com