I think the title of my autobiography is going to be, “I Shouldn’t Have Eaten That.”  It wouldn’t be a self-help book in regards to eating, but rather just a reflection on how important food has been in my life, and the sticky situations it has gotten me into.

It is well known, I used to be fat.  

In 4th grade I used to walk to school with my friend Ian.  One morning he offered me a cookie.  He  had two cookies in his hand.  I took both, ate immediately.  Then he said the other one was for him.  Oops.  It would have been funnier if I wasn’t fat, but since I was, it was just pathetic.  I still feel embarrassed about that.  I let it ruin our friendship.

I was a night eater (still am a little).  I would sneak into the kitchen and eat the shit out of whatever was there, cookies, chips, meat loaf.  The next morning my step-mother would become furious at how quickly the box of cereal she got yesterday had went.  I always blamed my fatter brother.  Again, the shame and guilt!

Food has always = shame and guilt, or led to it.  Rarely have I ever eaten anything and then gotten laid afterwards.

Actually, I take that back.  When I lived in Chicago I would order Domino’s Pizza with my ex.  After speedy consumption we would fool around, sometimes without washing our hands.  Word to the wise, do not do this.  There is something in Domino’s Pizza that makes sensitive areas burn uncontrollably.  

They say you are what you eat.  I eat a lot of fiber these days.  So I guess I’m just regular.  

So yes, I should not have eaten that.