WARNING TO FUTURE NYC TRANSPLANTS: You will be charged a New York City tax to live here. It’s true, and kind of ingenious. Not only is the rent “Too Damn High,” but they stiff with you a city tax. I learned this horrible reality last April when I filed my taxes.
“You owe the city of New York $870,” the H & R Block lady told me.
“The city of New York owes me a competent Mayor and a reliable transportation system, but you don’t see me billing City Hall!”
I finally got around to paying the bill (figured I’d make them beg for it, turns out they don’t beg, just issue warrants), but they don’t make it easy.
I was prepared to pay online, but a magical assessment number was needed. Naturally I waited to do this whole process until after the tax offices were closed for the evening. I went through mounds of paperwork, nowhere was this magic number.
Hour after hour I searched, through papers, online, nothing! With each passing hour it became more and more apparent, I’m totally an adult. Yes, at 28, I am still young. Sure, I could call my Mom for help, but that’s pathetic. At 28 you can still claim to be young, but you’re too old to fuck up. It’s the “No Fuck Up,” age. If this happened to me at 22, people would think, “Okay, you’re stupid, but young.” Now I’m just stupid.
The next morning I talked to a lovely woman in the tax office who promptly gave me my assessment number and explained the process to me. And then I paid the man, aka the state, their money.
Essentially I gave New York a $870 Christmas present. Honestly though, it’s sort of worth it, because no other city in the world compares to New York City (except for maybe Atlanta, but that’s only because it’s where Fresca comes from).