I have a high tolerance for pain. Actual pain. When it comes to emotional pain, like matters of the heart, I’m a big softy.

I once dated this guy, well, calling it dating is a stretch, we fucked around. Actually, he fucked and I accommodated.

He was gorgeous, deep, introverted, tortured soul type character. He was like most Johnny Depp characters before he did those pirate movies.

What he liked, I liked. He was into tattoo’s, I got three of em. He enjoyed alcohol, I learned unique drink mixtures (and I don’t drink!). He dug piercings, so I got a bunch of em. My tongue, eyebrow, had my ears stretched, etc.

But I wanted to do something special for him. I wanted to get a piercing that was so unique, he couldn’t help but to take notice, acknowledge my selfless act (aka deprivation) and love me in return, naturally. I got my taint pierced.

SIDENOTE: Those in the biz call it a paranium piercing, but that doesn’t sit well with me (no pun intended). Paranium makes it sound too much like a flower.

He eventually left me, for a woman! All I’ve got to show for our (my) love is a hole in my taint and a couple stretch marks from the stress weight I gained in the months following our demise. I’ve gotten rid of all of my piercings except the taint, I’m too afraid to take it out. I’m single, it would be too awkward to ask one of my friends for assistance. But it could potentially be comedy gold? Hmmm?

I feel I’m at the age where everything I do is a fight between choosing the funky direction or the practical direction.  Everyday the two sides collide.  Tight jeans or loose Gap jeans?  Cute but not winter friendly Converse shoes or arch supporting Asics?  Bikini briefs or free hanging Fruit-of-the-Looms?

This debate even applies to men.  My mid-section tells me to go for the hipster guys with a funky fashion sense (and often times a peculiar odor), but lately my brain has been telling me to go for the young professional type, conservative like.  The great question is, do I go for the guy wearing khaki’s pants or the one who isn’t wearing pants?

This is only going to get worse as I get older.  What if I blended the two worlds?  Wore Converse shoes with khaki pants?  Dated the professional type while quietly wearing naughty underwear?  Hmm? 

I feel that’s just setting me up to become that creepy 50 year old with a funky gelled hair-do who has a MySpace profile that starts with, “You’re only as young as you feel.” 

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 BTW, check out Danny Leary and Shawn Hollenbach, two great comics.  I performed with them last night at the Laugh Lounge, got to know them afterwards.  Fantastic fellas! 

Oy, it’s not easy being irresistible!

Am the only one that finds a little distance in a guy sexy? You know, somebody who doesn’t call you the next day. Of course they send the obligatory text or e-mail (possible phone call), shortly after the first date to say, “I had a great time, can’t wait to do it again real soon…,” blah blah. But then they let you stew for a couple of days. This slow cooking process allows you to daydream, gab it up with your friends and experience just enough agony to make the eventual phone call feel, well, hot!

I suppose if the call never comes then you’ve got some room to mope. But hell, eat a tub of frozen yogurt and start again Monday.

Too much communication doesn’t allow me any room to fantasize. It ruins the mystery of a great guy if we chat too much too soon. I don’t want to learn that their lactose intolerant two days after the first date. That’s a third date conversation, right along with seasonal allergies and loss of virginity stories. I need to imagine he’s a prince by the second date. Frankly, knowing that my prince has webbed feet before we even make dinner reservations is disturbing.

Perhaps I’m too judgmental.

Send me an email at TheScottBlog@gmail.com

How does that theme song go?

You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both and there you have the facts of life
The facts of life

Whoda thunk “The Facts of Life” would prove so prophetic?Case of Opposites # 1:
Halloween party on Friday night, was fantastic! I went as a German beer girl, Helga von Scotty (hence the photo above, more can be found in my photo gallery). Nobody does Halloween like the gays, it’s our Christmas. There’s a whole week devoted to proper Halloween etiquette in gay school.

Half way through the celebration my tooth (which was scheduled to be pulled on November 8th), started to hurt. I left in pain, but at least I looked damn good!

Case of Opposites # 2:
Had a great lunch on Saturday with a very nice fellow. He bakes, ‘nough said!.

After lunch I went to work on my stand up routine for the Fresh Faces show on November 7th at the Hollywood Improv (check out the link to the left). Because of the tooth, I wasn’t feeling all there, didn’t get the laughs I was hoping for. I’m not your typical comic, I recognize that. I tell stories, not one-liners. Because of this there’s a lot of silence from the audience, which terrifies me. I must get used to the silence.

Case of Opposites # 3:
This weekend marked the culmination of tons of training, I was supposed to run 20 miles on Sunday. I woke up that morning drenched in sweat, obviously the infection from the toothache was taking it’s toll on my body. I ran 13 miles until I couldn’t take it anymore. The depression this caused cannot be described, I was furious.

So what do I do when I’m distressed? Watch movies! Unfortunately my area had a power outage mid-way through my favorite movie (Terms of Endearment), leaving me in pain and in the dark.

I can’t win for losing.

The power came on 30 minutes before “Desperate Housewives”. I sat there with my frozen yogurt, determined to end the day on a sweet note. It worked!

Things are looking up today. I’m getting my tooth pulled at noon. Which of course means that I have a great excuse to eat all the ice cream I want tonight and finish Terms of Endearment. Color me thrilled!

Send me an email at TheScottBlog@gmail.com