Paul Newman has cancer, it’s so incredibly sad.  Watch Cat on a Hot Tin Roof or Cool Hand Luke, they will change your life.

The NY Post published the above photo of the frail Newman.  Wouldn’t anybody look frail next to that guy? They could have easily cropped Captain Tubbo out of the pic.

I witnessed something amazing last night, Patti LuPone in Gypsy.  Seriously people, I was blown away by the story, the show, the performances.  Shockingly I had very little understanding of the musical, I had never seen the movie version and only knew a couple of the songs.  Just amazing.

Seeing Patti LuPone live is like witnessing Jesus turn water into wine.  There, I said it!  She has this quality, this average lady quality, that just explodes when she opens her mouth, revealing this powerful piece of machinery called her voice.  That shit is well oiled and should be boxed up and sold for millions.    If she asked me to tattoo her name on my butt, I would.

Color me thrilled! Go see this show if you’re coming to New York City this summer.  The cheap seats are great (it’s at the St. James, so there isn’t really a bad seat in the house).

Without fail, every time I return home from a trip, and the plane flys by the New York City skyline, I think, “Holy hell, I can’t believe I actually live there.” My friend Bryan put it well, “… to have moved to the biggest city in the country and made a life for yourself…” I love this city!

But I won’t be here for much longer. On June 15th I leave for Los Angeles for my six month stretch out there. But come 2009 I’ll be back in the Big Apple. But before I leave I’ve got some funny business to take care of. Check out my MySpace page for a complete listing of where I’ll be performing in the next couple of weeks. Come to a show, I guarantee you’ll laugh at least once (I’ll tickle ya if I have to).

What are you doing this weekend? I’ll be in Central Park getting things ready for the 47,000+ people who will attend AIDS Walk New York on Sunday, May 18th. Click the image below to be directed to the AIDS Walk page. Register and come on down, it’s going to be a fantastic day!

I’ve written about this before, and anybody who knows me in my private life will sigh when I say: Does nobody understand urban etiquette?  The rules are not difficult:

- Stay to the right on the sidewalk.

- Keep up as best you can with the flow of sidewalk traffic.

- Use your inside voice while on the phone.

- Don’t carry a concealed weapon.

Are those too much to ask of urban dwellers?  I think not.

I was walking down West 23rd Street, a popular street that goes through the center of Manhattan.  As I was merrily passing by, eagerly anticipating the political campaign memorabilia show I was on my way to, I happened upon a rather robust gentleman going in the same direction as I.  As he made his way down the street he would wildly flail his arms (mostly because his girth made it difficult for him to lay his arms flat against his side). 

Any snickle, a decision was in order.  Should I slow my pace and stay behind this guy or try to pass him?  Of course I was going to pass him.  I moved to the right, so did he.  I moved to the left, so did he.  This dance lasted for a half a block until my frustration level reached its boiling point. 

Breath in, breath out, focus on the happy place.  Think happy thoughts: Banana’s, “The Golden Girls,” Anderson Cooper in a speedo.  What’s that smell?  WTF?!?!  Did he just fart?  AW F*$#*% NO!

“Make a decision,” I yelled.  As I yelled he stopped, which caused me to move quickly to the right so as to not run into his stanky ass.  It was then that I noticed he had a cane and wore the massive sunglasses blind people wear.  I guess that means he’s blind.  Holy hell!

If you’re in the New York City area, I would love to see you at the show. A bunch of really great comics will be performing, including yours truly. Shoot me an e-mail if you need more information, HAlanScott@gmail.com.

Do you love The New Yorker? I do. But like millions of other fans, rarely do I ever read it. I want to, but time constraints just don’t allow it. I’ll finally have time to read it only to find the new issue in my mailbox. What to do? Read the old one? It’s old news now. It’s a real dilemma (well, no it’s not, but it effects me intensely).

I have found a solution friends. Audible.com allows you to subscribe to a year of service to the audio version of the magazine. Of course they can’t fit everything into the two hour recording, but they cram as much as they can in. I listened to my first issue this morning on my run, color me thrilled!

Check it out.

When I run I expect the people I share the city sidewalks with to obey proper urban etiquette (stay to the right). I’ll have an attitude about this, and will stand my ground, charging towards whomever stands in my way.

This morning a drunk looking couple and five small girls were taking up the entire sidewalk. The man was holding the woman, who was walking like a penguin down the street. The girls, who I assumed were their kids, were all straggling behind. I prepared myself for a battle, I was not going to move. Especially since these drunk fools dragged their kids with them on their early morning adventure (it was 6AM).

As I ran closer I noticed that the woman was holding her stomach. Could she be? Yes, she was in labor! Holding her stomach as they made their way to the hospital (which was a block away). The girls had bags of clothing, water, etc. with them, holding the heavy items as they followed their parents.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking, and I do feel like a fool, a real prick, Captain Douche-bag!

But the run was fantastic. 6.5 miles of cardio-greatness.

… life got in the way. I suppose I should offer an update. Ready? Set. GO!

1) Saw November on Broadway the other night starring the fantastic Nathan Lane and Laurie Metcalf (Jackie from “Roseanne”!!!). Love it. It’s about a hated incumbent President the day before election day. He comes up with a wacky plan to make some money, and possibly get re-elected, using the turkey industry, the issue of gay marriage and adopted Chinese baby girls. See it if you can.

2) I apologize about the comments section of the blog. I can’t figure out why it won’t let readers leave a comment! If anybody can help me out with this, please send me an e-mail. Do the same if you would like to leave a comment on a post. I promise I will respond! HAlanScott@gmail.com

3) Going to see Come Back, Little Sheba tonight. God I love being back in New York.

4) Performing at the Laugh Lounge in ONE WEEK. Nervous doesn’t begin to describe what I’m feeling. It should be a great night, come out if you can. I promise that you’ll smile at least once. even if it’s just a sympathy smile.

5) I’m dyslexic this week. Days are getting mixed up. Yesterday I freaked cause I forgot to take out the trash to the recycle - thinking it was Thursday (the day it’s picked up). No harm done there, I put it out today. But then last night I went with Bryan to see Archers of Ha. We got there and some James Blunt wannabe was playing. The bartender informed us that Ha is on Tuesday’s. Ugh.

I want a donut.

Send me an email at HAlanScott@gmail.com

“Got a problem,” he asked me with a heavy New York accent/attitude.

I was reading his companion’s T-shirt. His companion just happened to be a very well endowed woman.

“Oh honey, I love your shirt,” I told her, lisp and all. I thought it best to play up the gayness in order to avoid an awkward situation with a large New Yorker who could easily have me whacked.

The gay power, or so I call it, works in most situations. To work a deal at the retail store, gay flirt with the lady behind the counter. Want to make a straight man feel important (and in return do what you need to get done but don’t want to do), then act stupid gay and he just might change your tire (not in that way). The realization on the other person’s side that, “Oh, okay, he’s gay,” immediately neutralizes a situation. I’m not saying go crazy, one must be moderate in his use of the gay power. The gay power works especially well with women of color, overweight women, jocks (yes, jocks) and a surprising amount of Radio Shack employee’s (who knew?). I’ve gotten discounted coffee’s at Starbucks, amazing cologne sample’s at Macy’s, even entrance to private parties.

Never underestimate the power of gayness!

Send me an email at HAlanScott@gmail.com

I have arrived. It took me an entire day to get here (thanks to snow in Chicago), but I did make it! And oh how lovely it is to be back in this fantastic city.

I wish I had more to report. In 2008 I plan on posting more video’s, especially since I’ve got this handy little camera and movie maker capability on my computer. Oh it’s going to be a fantastic year!

BTW, I have a gig coming up on January 16 at the Laugh Lounge, 151 Essex St at 9pm. If you’re near the city you should come, it’s gonna be fun!

Send me an email at HAlanScott@gmail.com