The official homepage for writer and comedian H. Alan Scott.

Posts Tagged ‘New York’

A Christmas Gift for New York City

WARNING TO FUTURE NYC TRANSPLANTS: You will be charged a New York City tax to live here.  It’s true, and kind of ingenious.  Not only is the rent “Too Damn High,” but they stiff with you a city tax.  I learned this horrible reality last April when I filed my taxes.

“You owe the city of New York $870,” the H & R Block lady told me.

“The city of New York owes me a competent Mayor and a reliable transportation system, but you don’t see me billing City Hall!”

I finally got around to paying the bill (figured I’d make them beg for it, turns out they don’t beg, just issue warrants), but they don’t make it easy.

I was prepared to pay online, but a magical assessment number was needed.  Naturally I waited to do this whole process until after the tax offices were closed for the evening.  I went through mounds of paperwork, nowhere was this magic number.

Hour after hour I searched, through papers, online, nothing!  With each passing hour it became more and more apparent, I’m totally an adult.  Yes, at 28, I am still young.  Sure, I could call my Mom for help, but that’s pathetic.  At 28 you can still claim to be young, but you’re too old to fuck up.  It’s the “No Fuck Up,” age. If this happened to me at 22, people would think, “Okay, you’re stupid, but young.”  Now I’m just stupid.

The next morning I talked to a lovely woman in the tax office who promptly gave me my assessment number and explained the process to me.  And then I paid the man, aka the state, their money.

Essentially I gave New York a $870 Christmas present.  Honestly though, it’s sort of worth it, because no other city in the world compares to New York City (except for maybe Atlanta, but that’s only because it’s where Fresca comes from).

Merry Christmas!


Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Alright, so I’ve been a shitty blogger lately.  Life exploded for a bit.  To the 12 people who will read this, I am sorry.

What have I been up to?  

So yeah, I’ve been busy!

I also signed back up for Match.com.  Figured it would be a good way to meet men in LA.  I don’t tan, rarely drink, and hate the gym, so my ability to meet gay men in the normal fashion is limited out there.  What’s fun about Match is that you can type in keywords to search for men.  I typed in Shirley MacLaine.  Various men who look like my father turned up.  It was like looking into a mirror of my future.  This cannot happen to me!

I am spent.  More to come.


The Stigma of the Mexican

The Chinese are overreacting – again! Due to the outbreak of the swine flu (or H1N1, as the smarty pants are calling it), they are taking extraordinary precautions in order to contain the virus. They have quarantined Mexican citizens in China and canceled all air travel between the two countries.  The Mexican government is angry, but fear taking aggressive action against the country.  One wrong move and half of the products sold in Mexico won’t be produced.  How will they push their Chinese made sombrero’s on unsuspecting American tourists on holiday in Cancun?

I’ll admit it, I fear the swine flu.  It’s in New York City!  A bunch kids in Queens caught it, they are fine.  I mean, thank God it was Queens, but it’s still scary!

My Mexican is coming from Los Angeles tomorrow!  I worry about him traveling on a plane during this pandemic scare.  Everyone on the plane will undoubtedly be staring at him because he’s a Mexican traveling on a plane.  If anybody coughs they are going to look to him.  I advised him to take percautionary DayQuill and turn down any offers of bacon.  Godspeed Miggy!