The official homepage for writer and comedian H. Alan Scott.

Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Hardball with H. Alan Scott and Bryan Wilson

Madame Secretary

Can we just agree on one thing: Hillary Clinton has become the shit, right?  Like, woah, she’s totes in hear realm.

I supported her during the election.  Well, at first I supported Obama, then I endorsed Edwards because Jean Smart of “Designing Women” fame endorsed him, and finally I settled on Clinton because of her postion on health care (it was the first time I supported a candidate for legitimate issues, rather than for them being a Democrat or black).  I loved everything about her campaign, and her concession speech was probably the most eloquent and moving concession speech I’ve ever heard.

I had hoped she’d find a place in the Obama administration, but didn’t count on it.  I predicted he would go for a totally fresh cast of charcaters, anti-establishment types.  But then when it was announced Clinton would be the Secretary of State nominee, it was almost like my best friend had just been elected Student Body President, I was thrilled.  

I knew she’d be awesome at the job, but didn’t anticipate her being as cool as she has become.  As my friend Lori pointed out, Obama’s statements always say he’s “… deeply concerned…,” whereas Clinton’s are like, “… there’s just no basis for that…”  It’s like she can now be the smarty pants we’ve always wanted her to be but she could never be, cause she had to be a politician.  No more, now she can be like, “Nope, you’re wrong, and let me tell you why…”

She is amazing, I adore her, and love that she can now be that know-it-all we all hated in high school but really don’t mind having negotiate us out of nuclear war with North Korea.

Check out the wax version of her.  Spooky!

You’re a Lefty

Have you seen the video of Nancy Reagan and Barack Obama together?  Hilarious!  I love the look on Obama’s face when she observes, “You’re a lefty,” as if it were some subtle political blow (which it probably was).  Nonetheless hilarious!

What’s In a Name?

Obviously not much!  What kind of name is Bo?  I’ve heard of Beau Bridges, I wish I had a beau, but Bo?

Bo is the newest member of the Obama family.  Bo Obama.  It just doesn’t sound right to me.

I am not the biggest fan of dogs.  It’s not that I have anything against them really, I just find them to be a little stupid.  Even with people, I hate it when somebody (or animal) depends on me too much.  Be self-sufficient, do it yourself, get the job done, whipe your own ass!  Cats do this.  Sure, you’ve got to give them kitty litter and feed them, but they always seem to be in a general state of “I got my shit together.”

I think I hate dog owners more than the actual dogs.  The other day I was talking to somebody who was telling me about other parents in her neighborhood.  She kept talking about all the babies walking outside together.  I asked how old the babies were, “only 3 or 4, but in dog years, woof!”  Why would somebody calculate a baby’s age in dog years?  Did she take the movie Benjamin Button too literally?  Then I realized she was talking about dogs in the neighborhood.  “You mean you and other dog owners, oh!”  She got offended when I called her an owner.

I hate these people.

I wonder if Bo will take a crap in the oval office?  I guess it won’t be such a big deal, I mean, that office has seen it’s share of little shits…



From H. Alan Scott

My New York Arrival

New York Magazine has this great feature in its current issue about noteworthy people’s arrival in NYC.  I consider myself noteworthy, so I’m sure the invitation to take part in the article from NY Mag got lost in the mail.  In any case, I shall share my story here.

I moved to NYC on Wednesday, November 17, 2004, however I didn’t know it at the time.  I worked in politics and I had just concluded a failed U.S. Senate race in Missouri.  Before my anticipated move back to Chicago, I planned on visiting my friend Lori in Philadelphia, and then my friend Dylan (and future roommate) in NYC.

I took the Chinatown bus up from Philadelphia.  Dylan told me to find the Q train, but didn’t give directions through Chinatown.  After many failed attempts at asking for directions (FYI – never ask for directions in Chinatown, everyone is either Chinese or a tourist), I finally stumbled upon the Q train.

It was late afternoon, the sun was just setting.  The Q train came out onto the Manhattan bridge.  The view of lower Manhattan took my breath away.   There was no way I was going back to Chicago.

A week later I moved into a 4-bedroom apartment overlooking Prospect Park in the Flatbush neighborhood of Brooklyn.  It was a total culture shock for me.  Here I was, a fat, gay, white, man moving into a predominantly black and Hasidic Jewish neighborhood with 3 straight guys from Little Rock, Arkansas.  I wasn’t in Boystown anymore!

I took a job with a closeted gay man running for Manhattan Borough President, but didn’t really do anything at the job.  I hated it, and the only reason I took it was because it paid well, I got my own office and it was in Midtown.  For the first few months in NYC all I did was work and watch marathons of TV on DVD.  Eventually I put down the pizza slice, discovered the benefits of living right on a park, and lost 100 lbs.

I owe NYC so much.  Without it, I probably never would have lost the weight or have shifted from politics to comedy.  NYC is my inspiration.

And now the American Express commercial can begin!

Claire McCaskill is Amazing

I’m so glad I’m from Missouri!

Raging Bull

I went to see Raging Bull last night. Imagine my surprise when I learned it was a documentary about the McCain campaign.

I should have learned my lesson from before. I was so thrilled to see a truthful, accurate documentary made about George W. Bush, but thoroughly disappointed when Dumb & Dumber turned out to be a silly Jim Carrey movie.



I want to marry Harvey Fierstein.  Unfortunately I can no longer do that in California.  Instead I’ll settle for his brilliance. 

Historic for Some, Same Old Shit for the Rest of Us

by Harvey Fierstein

While we dance in the streets and pat ourselves on the back for being a nation great enough to reach beyond racial divides to elect our first African-American president let us not forget that we remain a nation still proudly practicing prejudice.

I have heard this day described as one of transcendence where Americans came together to prove that we are, above all, a nation of fairness. World witnesses wrote that we rose above ideology, politics and bigotry to achieve a great moment for America. Meanwhile, on this same Election Day, we great Americans passed laws as heinous as any Jim Crow legislation. We great Americans reached out and willfully put our name to language that denies an entire minority group their equal rights.

Of course I am referring to the states of Florida, Arizona and California passing legislation to specifically deny gay people from entering into the contract of marriage. Actually, that’s not true. We can still get married, just not to each other. Yes my friends, Florida and California have now made it legal for gay men and lesbians to marry as long as we don’t marry our partners. How much sense does that make?

Now, before you rise up on your high horse to holler, “We’re not against Civil Unions, just Gay Marriage”, let me once again explain that THE SUPREME COURT HAS STATED THAT SEPARATE BUT EQUAL IS NOT EQUAL. And even if it were, civil unions are simply not equal to marriage.

Let me give you a simple example that anyone can follow. John and Jim are registered as domestic partners and so, just like a married couple; Jim is covered by John’s employee health care. That’s really nice. BUT… since the IRS does not recognize civil unions or domestic partnership Jim has to pay income tax on the value of this coverage. So, unlike a married couple, John and Jim are penalized hundreds of dollars for not being married. That’s not fair. That’s not in the spirit of the civil union legislation. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of the inequality being offered.

Listen, my fellow Americans, I am only asking that we get sensible about this controversy. Gays are not asking for religious blessings. We are not asking for everyone to come to our weddings. We are not asking the government to force churches and synagogues to perform marriage rituals or even to allow us into their tax-exempt edifices. We are simply and forcefully demanding equal protection under the laws of this nation as tax paying, voting, property owning citizens. I want no more or less protection than granted any heterosexual to control and distribute my holdings.

State sanctioned marriage is a civil contract period. A contract is not a judgment of moral value. It is a legal agreement between two parties that testifies to a meeting of minds between those consenting entities. It is not a religious act or rite and so has nothing to do with Adam and Eve or Steve or even Harvey. I often say that if you want to really want to understand the contract of marriage just ask anyone who has been divorced. The marriage contract is one of property rights. Or maybe you can look in the bible to see what Adam had to say about divorce since Eve was his second wife.

So, while we rightfully celebrate the election of our first African American president, let us take a moment to mourn the passage of three new laws legalizing prejudice. Of course there will be those who claim that voters were only protecting the institution of marriage to whom I would suggest it is just as likely that Obama’s supporters were only voting against W. Breaking the lock on my door doesn’t make your home any more secure.

How I Feel Right Now

I went to sleep on election night elated that this country elected such a dynamic figure to the Presidency, and woke up the next morning slapped in the face with the harsh reality that many still view me as a second class citizen.

Many of those who hold that viewpoint were once also persecuted for whom they are and/or what they believed.  The largest factions of people who supported “Yes on 8″ were…
- People of color, whose history of discrimination in the United States is well documented.
- Christians, many Mormons, who were killed in the early days of their religion just for believing.

So soon they forget the past.

The passing of Prop 8 is so much bigger then the state of California, it’s a national issue.  The ripple effects of this decision are enormous.  In the years to come, when another state attempt to ban gay marriage, the quote on all the mail sent to voters will be, “Even liberal California voted against gay marriage!”  Adoption rights are next.  The list goes on.

At first I was lost, didn’t know what to do next.  But it is clear now that the most important thing I can do is to continue the conversation.  I implore you, especially if you’re straight, next time you’re having a casual conversation with somebody, say “Did you hear what happened in California?”  Make it personal, because stripping American citizens of fundamental rights IS personal.

I love my mom and step-dad.  They instilled in me the belief that I do have the right to grow up to be an active participant in society.  That hard work leads to a good job.  That kindness and respect toward others leads to friendships and relationships.  Then comes love, and if you want, having children and teaching them the very things that I was taught.  Those are my rights, and the state cannot give it and then take it away.

Please, sign this petition:

I am proud of my country for electing Barack Obama, but I am so distraught that many Americans don’t see that an incredible injustice happened on Tuesday, November 4th.  Barack Obama said, “It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America.”  Not quite, but it will, we can do it if we all do our part.  Talk to your friends, family, co-workers!

Thank you, I hope you’re well, and if you’re in NYC, I’ll see you in a couple of weeks!

xoxo – Scott

Separate But Equal?

President Obama, I like it!

Being a second class citizen in the eyes of the most “liberal” state in the country?  Well, it blows!

Yesterday the people of California said that gay marriage wasn’t for them, adding the ban to the state’s constitution.  60% of people would need to vote in favor of it next time for the constitution to be be amended.  Only 48% of people supported it yesterday.  Fat chance it’s going to be amended anytime soon.

I feel strange.  On one hand I’m thrilled that Obama is President-elect, but on the other I’m sad, disappointed, scared and pissed that once again I’m made to feel somehow different from the rest.

The ripple effects of yesterday’s vote are terrifying.  In years to come, every time a gay measure is on the ballot, the opposition’s quote on ever piece of direct mail will be, “… even liberal California voted against gay marriage!”  Other states will use this vote as a catalyst for a vote in their own state.  Banning gay adoption is next.  This is fucking terrifying.

What’s next?  I don’t know.  Any ideas?

Proposition 2 overwhelmingly passed though.  Chickens and pigs will now be able to roam free in cageless environments in the state of California before being slaughtered for food.  It’s comforting to know that barnyard animals are viewed as having more value then gay people, isn’t it?

One More Day

An 82 year old Kentucky man traded prescription drugs for sex.  If he has good insurance, he essentially got laid for a couple of bucks.  This man is a genius!

Think about how many lucky senior citizens could take advantage of this with a universal health care plan?  Yet another reason to vote for Obama y’all!

The Surreal Life: Presidential Candidates

On this season of VH1′s “The Surreal Life,” the losing candidates of the Republican and Democratic primary elections for the Presidency.  Below, a teaser…

Sarah Palin: Welcome candidates.  As the former Vice Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, it is within my juristiction as a Maverick (wink) to welcome you to your new home for the next few weeks.

Mike Gravel: You’re not Alaska, I’m Alaska!

Bill Richardson: Are there any Durrito’s?

Hillary Clinton: I can speak from experience, you must watch your diet, remember what happened to Bill, um, Bill.

Fred Thomspon: I was asked to play Bill in a TV Movie.  For weeks I ate BBQ ribs and enduced a heart attack.  I’m a method actor.

Rudy Giuliani: I just like wearing dresses.

Ron Paul: You’re all going to hell!

Dennis Kucinich: There is no hell.  And I hope this house is vegan friendly.

John Edwards: Just no cameras in the bathroom, please, I’ve had too much trouble with people poking fun at my grooming habits.

Chris Dodd: I don’t know why I’m here.  I only ran to get on TV.

Hillary Clinton: You don’t know why you’re here?!?  I almost had it!

Mike Huckabee: Can we pray?

Sarah Palin: I can tell you all are going to get along just swell.

Stay tuned!

So Sweet



Look at the size of that soda?!?


I’m performing tonight at a Hostel.  Let’s hope they aren’t hostel.  :-)  Sorry, I just had to say it.

Seriously though, I’m concerned that most of the audience will be foreign.  I’m not sure that many foreigners have an understanding of what it’s like to be gay and Mormon.  The joke isn’t funny if you have to explain it, you know?

Perhaps I could just trash President Bush and denounce my American citizenship, they love that shit.


A change is coming to America next Tuesday y’all.  It’s going to be huge!

The new season of “The Amazing Race” premieres on CBS.  I love this show.  I’ve read that this season is going to be especially good.  Check it out.

Something else is going on as well?  You’re suppose to vote I think, but I could have swore that “American Idol” was on hiatus.  Vote for what?