The official homepage for writer and comedian H. Alan Scott.

Posts Tagged ‘Travel’

Getting Physical with H. Alan Scott

Getting my body beach ready for my upcoming vacation ain’t easy, but it’s moderately funny.

The Stigma of the Mexican

The Chinese are overreacting – again! Due to the outbreak of the swine flu (or H1N1, as the smarty pants are calling it), they are taking extraordinary precautions in order to contain the virus. They have quarantined Mexican citizens in China and canceled all air travel between the two countries.  The Mexican government is angry, but fear taking aggressive action against the country.  One wrong move and half of the products sold in Mexico won’t be produced.  How will they push their Chinese made sombrero’s on unsuspecting American tourists on holiday in Cancun?

I’ll admit it, I fear the swine flu.  It’s in New York City!  A bunch kids in Queens caught it, they are fine.  I mean, thank God it was Queens, but it’s still scary!

My Mexican is coming from Los Angeles tomorrow!  I worry about him traveling on a plane during this pandemic scare.  Everyone on the plane will undoubtedly be staring at him because he’s a Mexican traveling on a plane.  If anybody coughs they are going to look to him.  I advised him to take percautionary DayQuill and turn down any offers of bacon.  Godspeed Miggy!

Washington, DC

I love that city.

When I vacation, I don’t go to beaches or ski resorts.  It’s very difficult for me to relax, I need to be doing something, preferably learning something.  I will travel hours to go to a museum.  A days drive is totally worth it to see where the pilgrim’s landed on Plymouth Rock!

DC satiates my desire to learn.  On Sunday morning I went on a run from Woodley Park to the White House, then ran the course of the mall.  Along the way I visited all the monuments.  I’ve done this numerous times, but it never gets old.

I’m a firm believer in that everything we need to know can be found in historical lessons.  It’s all happened before, and we’d be very well off if we would heed the lessons history has taught us.

Which is why I feel silly for placing my expensive digital camera on a shelf in a port-a-potty in windy Washington, DC.  Wind + portable toilet = chance for disaster, proceed with caution!

Panda Porn

I’ve always loved Panda’s.  They are cute, cuddly, and seem to have an awesome all around attitude on life.  As a kid, whenever my family would order Chinese food, I would protest, because it contained bamboo.  Our consumption of this evil food took away food from the endangered Panda’s.

I am currently in Washington, DC.  This morning I ended my run at the DC zoo, to take a gander (my first) at the Panda’s.  They are beautiful, you should see them!

99% of a Panda’s diet is bamboo.  My protest as a child was warranted, thank you very much!  Panda’s, once in captivity, lose their desire to reproduce.  In an effort to get the Panda’s to do the dirty, scientists have taken to extreme measures such as showing Panda’s videos of other Panda’s mating, and offering male Panda’s Viagra.

I never realized Panda’s had so much in common with humans.  You give a guy all the food he can eat, without fear of hunters, make em comfortable, and they lose all interest in sex.

Rosie the Panda says to Billy, “Billy, maybe tonight?”

Billy, “Give me five minutes, I just want to finish this bamboo stick”

And she waits, and waits, and waits.