The official homepage for writer and comedian H. Alan Scott.

The Kidnapping of H. Alan Scott Starring H. Alan Scott

I always wanted to be kidnapped. Not like literally kidnapped, but like, fun kidnapped, you know? Of course as a kid I didn’t understand the severity of a kidnapping (I know now, thank you… sort of). I just saw it as a means of getting my own made-for-TV movie and possibly a book deal.

It would happen at the mall. I’d be at the mall with my mother, in the husky section of Sears (where I spent 13% of my childhood). For a moment I’d slip away to look for a cool pair of Keds when he’d approach me, my future kidnapper. Being the gregarious kid I was, I’d gladly chat it up with him. He could have easily been a scout sent by Steven Spielberg to find the next big kid star, spots me, BOOM, fame. Then, just as he’s got me hooked with “You’re the next Elijah Wood,” he’d pick me up and rush me to his van.

Now, have you spotted how ridiculously impossible this is yet? I mean, come on, I was shopping in the husky section, do you really think he would have been able to pick me up that easily? PLEASE!

We’d get back to his place. Turns out he’s not mean at all. He recognizes I’m more of a reader, so he lets me do that while he writes ransom notes. After a while it becomes clear that I have a way with words and he lets me write my own ransom notes.

Eventually the ransom notes gain popularity because they’re so poetic, generating attention from celebrities. Tom Cruise films a commercial calling for my release, Madonna dedicates an entire album to me.

The pressure is on. So far millions of dollars is committed to information leading to my rescue. I get wind of this because I’ve been following the news closely (how could I not, I’m an international celebrity case now, my face is everywhere). I realize that I could use that money, not some poor schmuck who just happens to notice me one day. So I fool my kidnapper into opening a bank account with me (I can’t do it myself, I’m a kid, remember?). I tell him that we’re going to create a fake identity that will then turn me in. That “person” (us) will get those millions deposited into the joint bank account we’ve set up, I’ll go home to my family, and by the time he’s released from prison I’ll split the money with him.

The thing is, I’d never do that. The moment I turned 18 I’d take the money out and put it in my own account. Once he got out he’d be all like, “Where’s my half?” and I’d just laugh and laugh. Who’s going to believe him, he’s a kidnapper!

Of course my story would get made into an exclusive tell-all book co-written with Kurt Loder, which would lead to a made-for-TV movie starring myself in my debut role, leading to an Emmy win.

I’d then move into the exact same loft Tom Hanks moved into in Big, sleep on a trampoline and eat Pop-Tarts for every meal.

Like I said, I didn’t fully understand the seriousness of a kidnapping. But I fully grasped the fame and wealth it could bring. Especially if it meant I’d never have to shop in the husky section ever again.

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